I have always kept my arranged marriage a secret, it’s not often you find someone in the United States who would understand. Most people think that sort of thing doesn’t happen in developed countries. It’s ancient, archaic, something that happens somewhere else, not here. Not where we marry for love.
See, when you’re a child you must rely on adults for just about everything. As we grow, we slowly gain responsibility and power of our own lives. We can begin to dress ourselves, decide the kinds of clothes and styles we like. We can make our own food, and decide what we like and don’t like to eat. The natural progression is increased independence. But this is all disrupted when you are coerced or forced into an arranged marriage. Marriage is an adult decision. And when this decision is made for you, as a child, the damages are unparalleled.
But the worst part is, the secrecy. Not wanting to tell anyone how me and my husband came to be. We are still married. We’ve been through unyielding challenges together. We’ve grown to be best friends, love, and respect each other. We have a family now. We escaped our abusive situation together. But we keep it to ourselves, cause we never thought anyone else would understand. Who could possibly understand, that we grew up in a religious cult and were told at the ages of 15 that we were to marry each other? We were told we were ‘made’ for each other, meant to be together by God. We were just like everyone else in our commune, our partners were picked for us by the elders.
We could have said no, right? Not really. Not as a child, who is trained to fear God and authority. A child who is trained to ignore their inner voice. Marrying each other meant we got to stay in the community, with our parents and families. Getting married meant we were doing the right thing. We had seen what happened to people who didn’t marry their arranged mate. They were screamed at, ostracized, banished. The rules were strict and rigid. Our choices were to obey, or disobey and suffer the wrath.
For many years I tried to say no, I said I didn’t want to marry someone from the commune. I wanted to leave and have experiences. But the brutality was just too great. Friends and family wouldn’t speak to me. I would get screamed at, people would come to my house late at night and yell at my mother about me. I was told if I wanted to stay in the commune, I had to marry my partner. I had no family outside the commune, and I loved my family very much. I didn’t see a path for myself where I didn’t marry him. So I surrendered.
We had a baby together, and began our life. I was one of the lucky ones, my partner was kind and gentle. We had always been friends, and we bonded over the obscurity of our lives. As our living conditions worsened in the commune, we decided to break free together. We got new jobs, moved, and cut ties. After years of therapy, we have begun to rebuild our lives outside the cult.
But the fact remains that we didn’t have a choice in the biggest adult decision either of us would ever make. And that has lasting effects. And once you have a family together, those bonds are tighter, more complicated, more powerful, more to lose. We have struggled greatly over the years. We split apart, unsure that we could stay together given our history. I have discovered a strength within me that I didn’t know I had. One that has come from the hardships I have endured. But it has been a very lonely path.
It wasn’t until I found Unchained At Last that I knew anyone like me existed. I was sure I was the only one, besides the others I grew up with in the commune. Discovering their website, and speaking with their mentors has helped me to take steps I never thought I could take. Like sharing my story. My strategy has been to hide, shield myself, blend in amongst the crowds, and keep my history to myself. But Unchained has inspired me to remove my veil, and stand amongst the other young women who were coerced into arranged marriage before adulthood. Because it turns out, it is more common than we think.
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*At Julia’s request, the photo used here is not actually of her.